The following was written by a good friend of mine. I am cross-posting her articles here to ensure that they will always be on the internet and that her words will always have a way of reaching her intended audience. She has struggled immensely in her own life with family who failed to support her – who abused her instead of offering the love and care she provided them. Her alchemies run deep, and she has a perspective like no one else – a perspective I have decided to share with my audience. These articles date years back and through them you will see a firsthand snapshot of a remarkable woman’s growth.

-Eric

Religion taught me to always admit my mistakes. That one’s sins were better known by others to keep a meaningful level of accountability and humility. Other people were usually necessary to work through any shortcomings.

Doctors encouraged me to trust them automatically, even with my deepest demons. They wanted to know the worst days of my life. And refusal to share those details was recorded as being “non-compliant” or “difficult.” It didn’t matter that those wounds would just be torn open for no meaningful reason.

Friends and family members also called me “difficult” if I didn’t spill my personal tea, as they demanded.

The thing is, such levels of openness are not as beautiful, or healing, as they are portrayed.

Oftentimes, loose honesty can be rather dangerous.

It might be in your actual best interest to keep your mouth shut. Confessions aren’t always as helpful as the world seemingly wants you to think.

Like any convicted criminal can tell you, speaking up has its consequences. And it’s not always for the best.

Still, vulnerability is essential. Maybe that applies with yourself, above all else.

Here is why I am most vulnerable with myself, generally, and not so much with other people.

Admitting Struggles to Others Causes More Issues

Like I said, sometimes sharing with certain people isn’t for the best. It’s just a way to get information from you.

Openness without discernment is actually quite risky.

Telling other people about your wounds, mistakes, or insecurities could be like giving your enemy ignition to destroy you, sadly.

Far too often, it has nothing to do with your well-being. In fact, your vulnerability will be used against you.

Let’s face it, humans are a vicious species. Gossip, manipulation, and control are common games. That doesn’t go away just because you need help or validation. In fact, it probably increases the intensity of such games.

Humans gotta be human, I guess. And most of the time, that means they will seek out confessions. Not to help, but to use them to their advantage. Or, maybe even, just for fun.

There are various factors at play.

People Are Morbidly Curious

Let’s get real here. Most people do not really care. They simply want to know.

They want to know your struggles so that they can gossip about you. They want to know so they can impose an unfair label on your identity, and force you into a precarious position of inferiority.

Your darkest secrets, or deepest wounds, could easily be used to inflict more pain on you. To abuse you, and to control you.

It could be something else, but it might not be authentic care.

At any rate, it’s most likely not going to actually help you. More often than not, you will pay for your susceptibility. Even, or especially, if they try to convince you otherwise. It doesn’t matter how unfair it is; that’s life, apparently.

People have reason to dig into your problems. Unfortunately, honest compassion usually isn’t one of them.

Understanding for Coerced, Undesired Change

I have lived through the agony of being an oversharer. Validation, or feeling understood, is nice. You know?

But there’s a potential downside, sadly. And that is that many people don’t want to understand what you’re saying for your sake.

They want you to think a certain way. And they could do many things, like listen, to get you to abandon your view and convert to theirs. (Unfairly, in a manipulative way. They are not just offering their perspective.)

For instance, I’ve met quite a few people who worked hard to curate my trust. When they thought they had succeeded, they then attacked my spiritual beliefs, my parts, and even what I was “allowed” to resonate with, or understand.

The point is that a lot of people can abuse understanding, basically, to carve a trusting spot with you. Lamentably, when this happens, consideration simply becomes a weapon to gain control over you.

In other words, being vulnerable to the wrong person may cause you to be susceptible to attack. That can take many forms including emotional, spiritual, mental, and even physical.

Take care of yourself.

Sharing Too Much Can Make You Feel “Righteous” For No Reason

Another danger of openness is that it can play tricks on you. You feel more virtuous because of your humility.

But, so what? What does displaying your guilt really do, especially when it isn’t completely honest? Does it actually bring about change?

Chances are, it does not. Sometimes, it only teaches you how to avoid getting caught again.

People might celebrate your bravery, or admire your confession. But they may not care beyond the show.

For example, a pastor could admit to some shortcoming, and be hailed as a warrior of truth. Even though he was the perpetrator in some horrific crime, and caused deep pain.

His congregation will likely see him as vulnerable. Not necessarily truthful, just open enough to play pretend he’s exemplary. Even if he omitted a good portion of reality to protect his “righteous” image.

The script, so to speak, is viewed as more important than honesty, in such cases.

On another note, maybe someone tells you about a mistake they made to get on your level. Now, that can be helpful when done with sincerity. But it could be a trick, to make you admit to something you’re not really comfortable sharing with them.

Such situations are not factual. It’s more about looking exposed, probably while using a cover or two to hide the full actuality.

It is not truthful, but acts like it.

It’s fake vulnerability pretending to be real. It’s all a show. Really, it’s a trick that relies on misusing virtue.

If something is not actually truthful, on purpose, it is merely a deliberate lie.

At any rate, it’s possible to fool yourself into feeling highly moral while allowing (or helping) more questionable, or downright sinister, actions to continue.

Damaging Punishment With No Accountability

Saying there is no accountability in one’s confessions might sound odd. I get it. But, hear me out.

Many people we are ‘supposed’ to trust are masterful with half-truths. They will stretch, omit, and fabricate as necessary. All you have to do is believe them.

So, on top of the fake-accountability-humility-celebration thing, there is this falsehood that becomes like its own dirty little secret.

You know what? It seems there isn’t really a “right.” There is no moral high ground. Only a stance that can be shaped into looking like it.

As an example, you might be expected to forgive an attacker, even before you’ve processed the ordeal for yourself. If not, you could be called a slew of unsavory and unfair things. You might be reprimanded and lectured. Forcefully prayed for, against your will. (The aftermath is very real, by the way.)

Still, you may be expected to take responsibility for what was done to you. Not by you. Because you didn’t forgive quickly enough for your pastor. Or because you felt understandable anger. For whatever reason so-and-so deems justifiable, really.

Look, it’s true that you’re responsible for you, always. That’s the only way it can be.

Still, being forced into vulnerability can cause you to take on more responsibility (or shame, guilt, or so on) than is honestly yours.

In return, fair accountability becomes grossly skewed, and basically rots under your turmoil.

Partially because those who you regrettably trusted wanted you to deal with suffering in a certain overly-specific, humanity-denying way.

Self-Vulnerability Over External Validation

Being guarded all the time isn’t healthy. It’s not exactly safer than being open.

Being susceptible is necessary, on occasion, as it turns out. It’s especially vital to be vulnerable with yourself.

I can tell what I’ve integrated and what is still floating around, or in the process of solidifying within me. That’s because my responses are different. I’m gentler with aspects that have harmonized in my awareness.

But there is resistance to what I haven’t accepted yet. There is a greater reaction to what hasn’t, like, found a home within my Essence yet.

In a way, it’s kind of like I’m still learning to love those aspects that are floating about.

Still, being honest with myself, about myself, is greater validation than anyone could give me externally. Probably.

Of course, sometimes radical honesty with Self hurts. It can be excruciatingly uncomfortable. It might even make your skin crawl. Being open with yourself can get intense, to say the least.

However, it’s really real. So real, in fact, that the need for external validation reduces.

For instance, there once was a time where I needed someone to know the horrors I’ve been through. I (felt like I) needed somebody to know all my nightmares. And that… didn’t turn out very well. People either didn’t care, or they judged me harshly. Or they invalidated my experiences, anyway.

At some point, I turned that need towards myself. I listened to “me.” Now, I don’t have the need to share those experiences for validation. (But I can, if I decide there’s a reason to.)

More importantly, other people’s opinions about my nightmares don’t hold much meaning at all anymore. It literally does not matter.

And I can’t begin to tell you how gloriously liberating that space is.

Gently Intense Truth With Yourself

Radical honesty with Self is magical. It’s war, make no mistake. But it’s also love.

See, oftentimes, honesty can hit you so hard, or so deep, that simply accepting it is enough to spark the very change you seek so desperately.

Just noticing your actual actuality can begin to carve a new path for you to follow, in a different direction. That’s often how it works for me, anyway.

Naturally, the process may be a journey, and not a snap of the finger. Still, you’re on your way.

Being truthfully vulnerable with yourself can be that powerful. It’s nothing short of miraculous. As they say, the truth shall set you free. But only if you let it. (At least on some level, I suppose, depending on what view you’re looking from.)

Exceptions to Every Rule

Since most people seem to think in extremes, I can expect someone to assume that I’m saying to never be open with anyone. Ever.

I’m not saying that.

Vulnerability with others certainly has its place.

But it has to be with the right people. And a lab coat, a religion, relationship, or a certain status doesn’t automatically point to how trustworthy a person is.

More often than not, expected vulnerability leaves you feeling unheard, and even more empty.

There’s a huge difference between having space to listen, and inquiring for information. Inquiries serve some purpose, and it’s not so you’re heard. It’s likely to diagnose you with something. Or so the charges will stick. Or to judge you, or take away your voice. Or something.

It has nothing to do with who you “should” trust. Instead, it’s more about who your depths trust.

It might not “just be anxiety” if your gut is telling you to shut up. There could be a good reason. The harsh truth is not everybody is your friend.

But if you have a bond with someone you know you can trust, then maybe it’s a good idea to be more vulnerable with them. But only then. (Or so I’m learning.)

Who Are You Being Open With?

Of course being honest about yourself is important. It’s a human need, I think, actually. People tend to go insidiously crazy, without some level of connection.

Still, the human condition likes to play games. And it doesn’t always play fairly. In fact, many people are cheaters.

They want the ‘scoop’ only to advance in their seemingly never-ending loop of judgment and control. They want the details only for their gain, or even for their pleasure.

To tell the truth, in my experience, being open almost always leads to something far from helpful.

Vulnerability, by definition, leaves you without defense. You’re wide open. Susceptible. Bare.

Not everyone needs to know about your wounds, insecurities, or mistakes. In fact, too many would gladly use it against you.

It’s probably best to consider who you show yourself to. You can be authentic without spilling your guts. You know?

Above all else, be honest with yourself first. The rest just might follow.