The featured image for this post is by Judy Dean under the Creative Commons License and depicts a concept known as Kintsugi – the Japanese art of celebrating beauty in the imperfect. 

Wabi sabi suki -“Wabi, sabi, and suki are important yet illusive concepts that explain the notion of Japanese beauty. Wabi denotes simplicity and quietude and incorporates rustic beauty, such as patterns found in straw, bamboo, clay, or stone. It refers to both that which is made by nature and that which is made by man. Sabi refers to the patina of age, the concept that changes due to use may make an object more beautiful and valuable. This incorporates an appreciation of the cycles of life and careful, artful mending of damage. Suki means subtle elegance referring to beauty in accidental creation or unconventional forms.” – Patricia Ward

There will never be a point in your life where you have nothing to work through and you won’t be hurt again.

There will always be something you think you’re over that comes up and makes you rage or cry out of nowhere. There will always be triggers you didn’t know you had that someone manages to hit.

You will be reminded of ancient traumas and see old situations in new people and places when your current circumstances are completely different from the situations that hurt you.

You will have bad days. The only one who say they don’t are liars who think their farts smell like potpourri and they’re usually trying to sell you expensive courses that are plagiarized almost word-for-word from an MLM. They can dress it up in spiritual lingo but new age is the new Amway.

Spiritual and healing practices are not supposed to feel like a corporate seminar.

If you are looking for permission to live your life – this is it. Welcome to the human condition. You’ll never be perfect. If you’re waiting for that before you start a new relationship or apply for a new job, quit making excuses and get to it. If you think you’re not healed enough to begin a new practice or hobby, really stop and think whether that’s true or you’re just afraid.

Time won’t wait for you and healing happens in motion. There’s a time and place to step back and take things slow. However, it’s supposed to be one part of a larger cycle – not a lifestyle. You can’t completely withdraw from the world and expect things to get better for you.

We are not monks living in the mountains completely disconnected from the rest of society. Even if we wanted to be – they become reclusive in an intentional way that cuts all distractions. We tend to become reclusive in ways that involve Netflix. Monks go where they have no escape from themselves.

We retreat from the world AND ourselves.

That is not healing or self-care no matter how much we wish it to be. Life is messy and so are we. Embracing the perfection of chaos is how we learn to love ourselves and it’s the closest thing there is to actually being fully healed.

You Do Not Need to be Free From Trauma to be Lovable

You can replace lovable with capable if you want. It’s the same idea.

We want the fear to go away before we act. That’s never going to happen. “Experience is the best teacher” became a cliché for a reason. It is what you do – not what you think or feel – that defines you.

Your feelings matter – don’t get it twisted. They matter a great deal. This is what the hustle culture bros miss. You can’t ignore them and stuff them down without breaking – we are supposed to act holistically with our minds, bodies and hearts in harmony with each other.

And we are all driven by our feelings whether we realize it or not. Feeling is primordial; it rises from the unconscious. It moves through the nervous system. Thought responds to the subconscious – not the other way around.

The conscious mind doesn’t control a damn thing. It can’t. That isn’t its role or purpose. It is a tool designed to process information and problem solve – and we make our feelings a problem to be solved when we are always busy or we hold ourselves back because we don’t think we’re healed enough.

We play out our rejection and abandonment trauma by treating ourselves the same way we were treated when we were kids. It’s not that you or anybody else is unlovable or incapable – it’s that you’re stuck in the same place you were when you were wounded. We try to protect ourselves while simultaneously being deeply ashamed of who we are, and that is what stands in the way of change and connection.

It’s not who we actually are but how we see ourselves. It’s the opposite of rose-colored glasses; think of a broken, smoky window. Some people compensate by being too eager to prove themselves and gain new skills and knowledge; others pull back and make themselves so small no one notices them.

In either case, the unwillingness to honestly engage with the world comes from a lack of self-love and self-trust. It’s not that there is a deep fear of the world – although that can be a factor, and a justified one.

It’s that they lack trust in themselves to connect with the right people, to act on the right opportunities, to establish healthy boundaries and deal with conflict in a way that is neither overblown nor where they allow themselves to be a doormat.

Let me say again – healing happens in motion.

You can accomplish a lot with journaling and meditation and reading the right books, but at the end of the day, if you have relationship trauma you’ll need relationships to heal from it. There’s no way around it.

The Guardian at the Gate

A long time ago I read a book called Underworld Initiation by RJ Stewart. He talked about moments in the initiate’s path where they would come up against an obstacle that would force them to face it over and over again until they passed their test.

I think for most people when they think of a guardian they immediately think of a fight. It can be, but rarely is spirituality or magick so simple.

The “guardian” in this sense is always a riddle to which the answer is yourself – you have to alchemize something within you before you are allowed to pass, and there is no way to trick or force your way to the other side because this guardian is always part of you. It is there to serve your best interests and it won’t let you have more insight or power than you can handle.

The one thing that is universal to all trials is that you’ll never pass them without voluntarily facing discomfort.

Your fears hold what you’re looking for. If you’re always avoiding or numbing them, you’ll never master them or gain what they are trying to offer you. Fear is supposed to be your friend, but it’s a terrible master when you allow it to dominate you, and the feelings you avoid always dominate you.

This is why you’ll never be “fully healed.”

Because your emotions are not problems.

Because your very real wounds and concerns are not a valid reason for someone to reject you.

Because shaking when you speak does not mean you can’t say what needs to be said.

Because doubting your ability isn’t a good enough reason to never try – especially since everyone sucks the first time they do anything.

There is no person that steps perfect and fully formed into the world and lives their best life.

We are all works in progress – and thank thank the gods for that! What a boring life it would be if we never changed.

The more we dwell on finding things to heal and problems to solve within ourselves, the more problems we create to give ourselves excuses to avoid living our lives.

There’s no finish line. There’s no universal, “you must be this healed to do this thing.”

Yeah – don’t project and take your stuff out on other people. But be kind to yourself when you slip because we all do it at some point or another. There’s degrees to these things. Losing your temper over a small thing can be talked through and a sincere apology should smooth it over. If you’re prone to throwing things – yeah, maybe you should stay single, but don’t give up on yourself. Get help. Go to therapy. Find support groups.

Don’t stay stuck in your head and don’t let shame completely immobilize you. If there’s anything unforgivable the average person might do it’s that.

Being healed isn’t being without triggers – it’s being aware and keeping yourself centered when they get hit. It isn’t never making mistakes, it’s accepting accountability and realistically appraising your and others’ behavior – prioritizing fairness and balancing the scales over shame and punishment, and dealing with people who want to shame and punish as little as possible.

You are healed enough when you’re living your life.

And in time – some triggers do disappear. Some burdens are completely done away with. But it’s not a goal or a destination; it’s a lot like sleep.

You ever try falling alseep while remaining aware of every single moment up to when you lose consciousness?

It doesn’t work. You keep yourself awake that way. A lot of our deepest wounding works the same way. Have your emotional release, absolutely – if you’ve carried a lot of burdens and confusion in your life, you’ll need to talk about it and get it out of your system at some point.

But when that happens, there’s always going to be this tinge of something in your awareness. Like there’s more to get to. A drive to somehow go even deeper.

THAT is counterproductive. And you can’t blame your mind – it’s just doing what it’s told. It’s going to offer you ways to deal with whatever other emotions you have in ways it comprehends whether that will make things better or not.

The truth is a lot of what you need to release and work through won’t always come up in a relaxed or controlled environment. It’ll happen at the worst possible moment, but if you meet those times without resistance you’ll know freedom.

And if there’s any definition of “fully healed” that means anything, that’s it.

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